My whole life seems to be a constant state of chaos with only glimmers of sanity thrown in to keep me striving for something more. For me, however, most of my current chaos is self-inflicted and is rooted in a deep seated avoidance for the word “no”. Since I have very few childhood memories, I find it a challenge to recall much from my early years and I can only guess at some things given the circumstances at the time. My parents divorced prior to my birth in which time my mother and two older sisters moved in with my grandparents. As a toddler my mother remarried and I now had three big brothers added to the scene on a regular but not daily basis. I have photographs of the apartment in Dallas where we lived near my preschool and an increasing number of memories of the house we lived in during my kindergarten and early elementary years. During the summer between second and third grades we moved out to the country where I lived until moving to Arizona to attend college. Like every family we had our challenges and some tragedies so, on some level chaos was just a part of life. I fondly recall, however, the intentionality of my parents to minimize the chaos and provide stability in routines, namely regular family outings and vacations. Still, I remember feeling left out and confused at times and unaware of how to handle even peer conflict without withdrawing – on one occasion hiding under a table and pouting until I fell asleep. In retrospect, perhaps that was the beginnings of my “I’ll do as much as I can to appease and please” attitude. I remember even in kindergarten, retreating to my neighbor and best friend’s house where her mom read stories to her and we played endlessly in the yard, not wanting to go home. I just assumed that that was how every child felt. The older I got, the more secrets there seemed to be and I just lived on a “need to know” basis; a behavior that I, unfortunately, carried into adulthood seeing “trivial” information as a burden on others instead of helpful communication. None the less, I think I had it pretty good and I knew that my parents loved me and I was safe.
On the other hand, I see children in our program more often than I’d like that are experiencing a much more real form of chaos and I realize that for them too this is just a way of life and without the perspective of age this, for them, is what everyone else experiences as well. Children whose parents are in the process of divorce or have split recently so the child is bounced from house to house like a ping pong ball in play between angry adults. While I know that these situations can be navigated relatively successfully by all participants, I also know the opposite to be true when the child has two sets of expectations and the primary goal seems to be to make the other parent as angry as possible. My thought is always, “why can’t these two “adults” see what they are doing to their child?” Children come to school angry or withdrawn and the best we can do sometimes is to provide the stability that he needs during the day and enough love to make it through the next night. It is heartbreaking to see a four year old express the guilt associated with parental breakups when they cannot be convinced that it isn’t their fault.
On the other side of the globe, the 2007 presidential elections in Kenya brought with it plenty of chaos, particularly to its children who were not only forced from their homes by the violence but were separated from their parents leaving many orphans (AP, 2008). According to UNICEF and the Kenya Red Cross Society 150,000 children were in need of support after losing their families and experiencing extreme violence first hand. These children harbor anger, fear and frustration over the attacks, even fearing former classmates who are Kikuyu – the attacking tribe. But, “Pamela Sittoni, a spokeswoman for the UN Children’s Fund, UNICEF, agreed. ‘A comprehensive counseling package has to be developed. [We'll be] looking at how we can follow up with these children and provide the psycho-social support they need. That has to be a priority.’" (IRIN, 2008) Fortunately, most of Kenya’s displaced children now reside in the care of these organizations but still others have been placed in camps or questionable facilities and have been passed out to adults looking for houseboys or worse. Others who were fortunate enough to have been reunited with relatives may not be any better off in the face of severe poverty, who may possibly be being used for manual labor. Consequently, UNICEF is exploring the possibility of expanding their orphan support fund in order to provide more and appropriate care for as many children as possible. Fortunately, many more organizations have sprung up in the years that have followed and continue to support efforts to help children overcome this tragedy and become functional members of society – not just survivors.
I understand the chaos. I believe we as people have to know how to balance things out.Mving around from place to place also affect children. It is very hard to adjust as a child.
ReplyDeleteI have a special feeling for those young children that have lost their parents to incarceration. Unfortunately, there are more children falling into this category every year. They are often times placed with elderly grandparents or other family members. Family situations may prevent them from visiting or receiving routine telephone calls from prison.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to what you are saying about problems at home, in school and around the world. This past week we had an 8th grader hang himself because of the pressure of live. It is good to know that you have been able to overcome your childhood challenges.
ReplyDeleteArt, in itself, is an attempt to bring order out of chaos.
ReplyDeleteStephen Sondheim
I thought your post was thought provoking and intriguing. Often time’s adults don't realize all the impact their decisions may have on their children. Separation or divorce can be very challenging for a child. That child may not have the words to use and therefore may act out of frustration and anger. In situations such as these I believe it's important for parents to communicate with the child about what will come of the divorce such as mommy and daddy living in separate locations, the potential for a new mate to come along not to replace mommy or daddy but as another person to listen and care for the child too.